Strangely Familiar

By chance I ran into someone the other day who reminded me I have a blog. I didn’t think about it too much, but it sat in the back of my mind, floating there.. waiting.

Today it told me to log back in. It took me 5 minutes just to track down my password.

So I opened it up, prepared to be horrified and ashamed of the terrible writing that must of taken place here.

But… Its not so bad. Its even touching, and a little bit raw, like only a naive 20ish girl could be.

I stopped writing when I finished uni, save for my journal and a poem here or there. That was November 2011. I’d stopped writing here months before that. I honestly thought it was a childish dream that I’d grown out of, and I’d never want to engage in it again. I thought I’d used up all my youthful inspiration and that it doesn’t matter what you write, because none of it makes a difference and its all the same story.

But its not. Because I’ve still been reading. I watched my sister develop her own writing style on her tumblr, which sounded oh so familiar to a certain blog I used to run where I voiced my outraged complaints about the world. And about finding spirituality and love. The similarities were so intense. Its only fair she should get to see where my creativity went at her age.

So maybe I will have to read all the archives, delete a few posts? Or maybe I will just leave it.

I miss those blogging days though, what a different time.

It seems strange that I no longer have the urge to write now that I am in my own house, with my own cat, on my own bed listening to the birds singing outside my window. This was supposed to be the ultimate environment for my creativity. And I’ve neglected it, neglected my brain.

I’ve been very busy that’s true. But aren’t we all. Yet here I am.

I think I will come again.

Her name is Honey Fox.

EDIT: Once I posted this, wordpress awarded me some certificate for making it to 180 posts! fate n shiz

Star Gazing

Broken Glass

There was so much dust and cobwebs on my dashboard when I logged in! Sorry blog friends. Although the blog world feels a lot emptier lately.. where have we all gone?

I admit to you, I have been feeling apathetic towards politics the past year or two. Powerless, mute, like nothing I did would ever amount to any positive change. It was just going from bad to worse with no hope of improvement. My vote was not for Liberal or for Labor, and either would win, so what’s the point? The left is right. And my left is “radical”.

Wikileaks means something though. Whether it will slip into the vacuum of forgotten topics of the internet or not I do not know. I’m hoping it had a lasting effect. But we’re so easily distracted by the next big thing. We have verified proof that our governments have been lying and deceiving us in the most abhorrent of manners and yet, it’s as if nothing was said. Where is the outrage?

For the first time in a long while I found myself engaging in debate with people. I trolled statuses, posted videos, wrote tongue in cheek commentaries to headline my news links. Something big is happening right now, something we can never go back from. We successfully shattered the mirrored glass they were hiding behind. We found the wizard behind the curtain. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

The question is, will we be held captive to our government masters or will we finally be granted our freedom (of information, speech, religion, to assemble, to privacy..) ?

What do you think?

I’m Tweeting!

Hey! I made a twitter! I don’t know what I’m doing on it!

Actually I just finished an internship with a broadcast news network (is that what you call them? not sure if I should name them in case they don’t want to be associated with me hahaha) and all the journo’s were tweeting their lives away so I felt it was time to jack their style and do the same. How do I add you guys? Is anyone on there?

Do I say follow me @The_LuLi ? Or is it something different.. mad have no clue.

In other news I finished my degree! aiiiyeeeeeeee!! *arabic zighareit cry*

And am super bored so I want to up my posting perhaps and intertwine it with the tweeting world. Steal some sources and such. Become diabolical on all platforms.

Join me in my inane blabberings! Say things to me and I will say them back and then we will be saying things to each other!

In Relation To The Zoological Gardens

WHY THE HELL WHEN COUPLES FALL IN LOVE DO THEY GO TO THE ZOO AND TAKE PICTURES OF THEMSELVES??

I don’t get it, the zoo is boring and its for kids who don’t know what giraffes look like yet. When I think of stuff to do with my boyfriend its not going to be to stand in front of a shit-filled paddock and try to make out the yaks. We’ll just go get drunk and make out in a paddock wearing yak fur hats. Well, not really but you know what I’m getting at.

Two separate couples zoo photo excursions have popped up in my newsfeed this week alone. It is only Tuesday. Allah knows how many zoo albums I would find if I scoured my friends list. A part of me wants to do it to prove a point. That freak scares me and I won’t let her stalk her way through peoples personal memory jpegs, scoffing at their couple happiness and laughing at their awkward attempts at kissing photos.

Why the zoo? What is it about imprisoned animals displayed for your amusement that gets those love beads jingling? It smells weird, the food is overpriced and you never get to see the lions because they’re always asleep and I for one don’t even believe they’re in there. C’MON I JUST WANT TO KNOW! The monkeys aren’t that amusing.

Also I know I said I was on a break, but it’s always the times I tell myself not to write that I want to the most. And the times when I desperately want to update that I’m overcome with writers block.

So anyway, what do you think? Did you take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the zoo? Did you take pictures of yourselves kissing in front of the butterfly house and upload them to facebook? What is the philosophy behind this phenomena? Where did it originate? Is it part of some secret couples only step by step guide to consolidating a relationship distributed when you file your application for a fb romance?

Step  1. Facebook official.

Step 2. Profile pic couple shot.

Step 3. Zoo excursion (and resulting photoshoot uploaded to your social network).

Step 4. Gooey love heart statuses.

Step 5. ???????

Step 6. Profit!!!

A Brief Interlude

This blog is on pause while I wrap up my last weeks of uni! 🙂 But remember..

Mr Jones

“Believe in me

Help me believe in anything

Because I want to be someone who believes..”

You know someone cares about you when your tears make them cry. That’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past ten minutes. Remembering when my sisters cried for me, and when my cousin Tom cried for me. And when I cried for him when his brother died. Just imagining their pain is unbearable, so you cry. You cry because you don’t want them to feel it. Because you can’t help that they do feel it.

I’m his favourite cousin and best friend. And I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to be there. He lost his bro, his partner in crime, possibly the closest person to him in his life. What can I say to him? He’s not the kind of person who will open up and tell you his feelings. He’s a 24 year old guy who grew up on a farm, who is almost painfully intelligent, in the way that he may be the smartest person I know, kind of a genius. And he has that whole macho, manly farmer thing happening. His best mate is overseas. I’m 3hrs away and stuck there for uni.

Its like that time where people start forgetting the loss. Or they start avoiding it in conversation. That’s kinda the worst part about it, that whole silence that makes it feel like it doesn’t matter anymore. Because people are still feeling the pain but they don’t want to bring it up because it’s past the appropriate grieving time. Sometimes because I live so far away I forget that he’s even gone. Because I’m not in their day to day lives enough to feel that immediate loss. So I can just be thinking about Tom and then casually wonder something about Bill. And then I remember that he’s gone, and the last time I saw him was my birthday, 6 months before he died, and I really should have made more of an effort to see him and be in his life. And I wonder if I was always as nice to him as I could’ve been.

I have this tissue box that for some reason the girls started drawing on the night of my birthday. They were drawing mermaids on it and taking pictures, just to be silly. It’s the only thing I have to remind me of the last time I saw him. I even used some of the tissues when crying about him. They only just ran out the other day.

I can’t imagine how Tom is feeling. He’s cheated of a best man. A best friend. We were supposed to all have kids that would play together while we drank beers on the outside porch. We were going to be old together. I’ve been trying not to think about it really. I mean I think about it every day, but I don’t think about it in depth. The boys all play guitar, suddenly they’ve all started learning the songs Bill used to play. Its almost like a duty. It’s their way of showing that his memory won’t be lost. That we’ll always play those songs and think of him. He loved getting drunk and playing guitar and singing to us. We all did. It’s like a family tradition.

It’s just so hard to think that I can never have a conversation with him again, because I can still hear his voice in my head. He really was the happy one who joked all the time and laughed the loudest. He was popular and had heaps of girlfriends and mates and played football and was good looking. I remember playing with him as kids, he loved animals. I just can’t understand why he did it. I don’t get why suddenly my cousin is missing from existence. I’ve been to his grave and I still don’t believe it. These things aren’t supposed to happen.

It really makes you re-evaluate life. I suddenly feel very clingy with my family, all my friends, I’m worried about everyone I know. I couldn’t handle it being someone closer, how terrible is that to think? But I mean I couldn’t handle it happening again. On top of this. I can’t bear it. So imagine how badly Tom must be feeling. That makes me cry. He’s practically muted on the topic and he lost his closest friend. How do you help someone who can’t express themselves? I’ll be there in a few weeks, but that’s as soon as I can manage.

This year is like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. It’s the bad parrallel universe. Don’t you ever get that feeling like you’re living the bad life in a choose your own adventure? That you made the wrong choice down the line somewhere and wound up on the wrong path. That’s what 2010 has been for me. None of it is within my control. I can’t fix any of it.

He loved Mr Jones by Counting Crows. He loved a lot of songs but I can’t remember them all. Anyway, this song will always make me sad.

Fear.

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

Its hard to remember that when I get upset and angry, it all comes from my fear. Fear of peoples opinions or not getting what I want, or all this other shit that in reality means little to nothing. I can’t sit here and be eaten by fear all the time. I was fearless once, I want to be again. I can’t act from fear, I have to act against it. I have to be the strength I want to see in others, the truth that I want to be told, the courage to go against the grain, the right in spite of the wrong.

I don’t know about any of you, but my 2010 has been a bit of a slap to the face. I found myself having to deal with some real shit I never saw myself being in a position to endure. And step by step, it has only seemed to have gotten worse. A part of me wants to give up and say fuck it, what can I do? I want to disengage and run away and forget it all. But that can only work for so long. And losing someone close to me has made me realise that I have to face it. I have to open up communication and give my problems the attention and solutions they deserve, despite how hard it is, despite the fear I’m feeling inside. Because running away can never work, it always catches up to you.

I wish I could be like my sisters, and always know whats right or wrong. They always know exactly what to say and they’re always truthful. I wish I could magic my problems away with a puff of cloud and be done with them. I want to be the clever fox who slips away into the night, always a step ahead of the game, never having to own up to the mishaps that lay before me. Because I’m not as strong as I like to think I am. I’m overly sensitive I suppose. Is it because I want to make others feel better about themselves, or because I want others to feel better about me? Maybe both.

Its so easy to get caught up in selfishness, to forget that you’re trying to be good and do the right thing at any intersection you come across. I mostly get it right, but some slip ups leave me so far deep in the wrong that I can’t fathom a way to climb up out of them. And my pride doesn’t think I should have to. But so what if I’m wrong? So what if I’m an idiot? Why should I care so much about having a righteous image? I’ve fucked up plenty of times.

I guess that in itself is a reason. I don’t want to fuck up anymore. I already lived that life, made the wrong choices, pleased only myself. I don’t want to constantly be thought of as the fuck up of the family. I want to be normal, stable, dependable. I want to be the white sheep, not the black one. But its too hard to bleach the wool.

I know what I have to do. What I have to say. So, just do it. Stop being frozen with fear and stand up and say what has to be said. And if you are left with wounds and people who are unhappy with you, so be it. It is their choice to make, they decide how they will react to something. And don’t be surprised when they react with fear, because you often do too.

Peace.

R.I.P. Cousin

How could we have seen pain so deep

No words came to the surface

Despite everything he knew he had

He could not find a purpose

We laughed with him but never knew

The grief and fear he felt

And he couldn’t find the voice to say

‘I’m in trouble, please send help’

Silence left to ache, to wonder

What we could have done or said

To admit it he would lose himself..

And so we lost him instead.

Love you always Billy. 1991-2010

To The Girl I Used To Be

This is a letter to my 16 year old self inspired by the lovely Kezza’s most recent post If I Knew Then What I Know Now.

Dear Luli,

Boys can be rats. You’re messing with one of the worst of the bunch, the rat who pretends to be a cute little mouse. Look inside to see whether his actions match up with your morals, because if they don’t, the boy is not worth the trouble. Trust me, even if he leaves now, there will be plenty of chances for you to change your mind, he always comes running back. Realising you’re worth more than his constant bullshit becomes a source of ego and inspiration for you later though, so I dunno. The shattering of your trust for men might be more precious.

Forget the cool kids! They are ridiculous and you know it! You’re too smart to waste all your weekends drinking until you stumble and befriending mean people who mean nothing to you in the long run. Some of them even turn on you. Your “best friend” especially, but she does it in a more elongated, tortuous, slow and malicious way that does not become apparent for years. All those popular boys are just pigs in the end. They hit their girlfriends and get drug addictions and have 3 baby mamas each.

Run away from them and go back to your friendly, sweet boys. One of which you know has a crush on you, who you have a crush on too. If you pass up the chance he gives you, you will regret it forever. He goes into a long term relationship with a chick who makes your life hell for a while, and is still seeing till this day! You’re still best friends with him, but there’s always a sad spot inside that wishes things went differently that will probably always be there.

You were blessed with a brain, with creativity and wit, so use these gifts! When you try, you never fail, so try harder. I know its easy to just coast by without doing too much and still getting ahead, but if you put a little bit of effort in you could go so far. Doing it now will make it easier for you in university, otherwise you start to lose motivation due to lack of practice and organisation. Studying is fun, you love to learn and to be an expert on different things. Don’t waste that brain of yours, engage and preserve it.

The person you are deep down is a lot cooler than you realise, so stop trying to hide her. Stop clamming up in social engagements, you’re actually good at talking and you’re very friendly. If you let other people notice then you would have a lot more fun in uni and at work. You learn to do it eventually of course, but the years you spend being a snob rubbed off on you and now your body language is probably always going to scream ‘unapproachable’. You are outgoing and eccentric, and the sooner you start letting that out the better your life gets.

Go easy on people, ok? Especially your family, they end up becoming the closest and most loyal people in your life. Nobody is perfect, and you can’t even live up to your own expectations, so when they do something you don’t like cut them a bit of slack and try to be kinder. Treat people and their feelings gently and strive to leave only a positive imprint on the world, not a negative one. Compassion is the most beautiful quality a person can have. You have the ability to make someones day much better by just saying a kind word, or sparing a bit of change, so try to do it whenever you can.

However, don’t interpret that as to mean you can let people walk all over you. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. If you disagree, speak up. Don’t be bullied into anything, and never act out of fear. Look someone in the eye and tell them exactly what you think. It’s liberating. Don’t worry about what others think of you, let them think. If anything, it should amuse you that you are on their minds. People love to pull other people down, but learn to trust that your opinion is the only one that matters.

You may not realise it at this moment, but the girl you are now makes some critical decisions that shape her path for a long time to come. It’s hard to say now, being your 8 year older self, whether these slip ups have chipped away at your character for good.. or made you stronger and wiser. We will have to wait for my 8 year older self to write to me, so that we can see. You’re still hopelessly naive, so maybe we still have a chance at reversing some of the painful events that have wearied you along the way.

Be strong, Luli. Adopt cats.

Love, 24 year old you.

“If I had to do it all again

I wouldn’t take away the rain

Coz I know it made me who I am

If I had to do it all again

I learned so much from my mistakes

Thats how I know he’s watching me

Nobody knows what life may bring

It might make you happy

It might make you sad

But I know there’s a reason for everything

That’s why I keep believing

Whatever’s meant to be is gonna be..”